Parents, Are You Loosing Ground With Your Teenager?

Your child is now a teenager and you have found yourself on an island with a stranger,  Right?  It’s as if some alien came and took over the brains of your precious child.  Most parents are not prepared for this manifestation.  We have hopes and dreams for their future then suddenly our dreams turn to fear and desperation.

They slowly pull away and before you know it, you are completely left out of their world.

So, if you have found yourself at your wits end with screaming matches, slamming doors, rolling of the eyes, the lying  and grounding them to no avail,  you are not alone.

Some parents just give up!  NEVER, EVER GIVE UP.  Your beautiful child is still inside even if they are currently being controlled by an alien teen brain.  What parents don’t realize is that even though the teens every action and word are designed to push the parents away, deep inside he longs for his mom and dad to hang tough, to keep trying — to be there for him no matter what.

This article will be especially helpful for those of you that have pre-teens.  By the time they become teens, you will be set up and ready for anything.

Many of us have watched the game of Survivor on TV.  Survival of the fittest and to out wit, out last and out play or you get booted off the island.

I am not suggesting you raise your teenagers using the maneuvers of the contestants on the show.  However, having a healthy relationship with your teen requires skills that most of us don’t know about.  So, forgive the game of Survivor for my analogy.

Welcome to Teenagers Island.

Today’s teenagers are tech savvy, and have access to more information and a level of peer pressure that you and I never experienced as teens.  Example:  Miley Sirus.  I will say no more.

Here you will need some skills that will help you become a better parent, build an alliance with your teenager and hopefully provide you an extended stay on their private island, or at least until they grow up.

“Teenagers Island” Survival Guide For Parents

1.  Build a strong shelter for yourself.  It is going to rain and believe me the wind will blow.  In fact it could get very cold.  You will feel lonely and abandoned at times.  Parents must prepare themselves from exposure to the elements.  If your style of parenting means that you just wing it on a day by day basis, you are doomed for failure. You have to be prepared for anything.  And I mean anything.  Plan and prepare starting now.

•  Build your knowledge base by reading “current” parenting books.  Knowledge is everything!  You must have current information to know what is going on.  Use your brain!!!…….Do not let them see you reading these books.  Hide them, put the cover of another book on it.  Do something, because it will just fuel their determination to keep you out!
• Strengthen your Faith, you are going to need Him.  You are “His” Child so take shelter.  Remember that your child is His child as well.  Pray for your child continuously.  Hold fast to this promise…

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

• Learn relaxation techniques to calm yourself in a storm.  Anger Never fixes anything.  You need a calm, confident & loving approach.
• You need thick skin with a tender heart.

2.  Learn How to Build A Fire.  You must be determined at all times.  If you let the flames of determination fizzle into discouragement, you will loose.  Teenagers can detect stable determination and will begin to respect it.  But if they see weakness or smell fear, your a gonner.  You will be booted out again.

3.  You must learn to hunt & fish.  Parents need to become savvy detectives.  You need to hunt for clues and signs.   I know I am going to ruffle some feathers here and that’s okay.  If you are not sneaky,  your teenager will not get through these years unscathed PERIOD.  You must be a stealth hunter for information.  You think you know where they go when they leave the house, but trust me, you can’t be certain.

The following covert operations are for gaining true information.  FACTS that are saved for a future Tribal Council.  Do not confront these issues until you have all your facts straight and only then will you call a Tribal Council.

• Have a GPS locator installed on their phone without their knowledge.  I can hear you now, but you have to trust them. Right?  Wrong!  They are teenagers for goodness sake.  Always know where they are.  Always!  Yes, by all means tell them that you trust them and that you love them.  It’s not lie!  You do trust them in some areas you trust them to brush their teeth.  Right?  So when you say you trust them, you mean it. :\

Your teenager is a Christian and active in church?  They go to youth group every week?  What if I told you that they just might end up at a party on the other side of town while you think they are at church?

Even good teens are going to test their luck and boundaries.  Advice, get to know your youth pastor and LISTEN TO HIM.

Do the following even if you completely trust your teenager:  You will hate me at first and thank me later.

• Install tracking GPS in their car.  Must have information and it could save their life.Vehicle GPS Trackers | OBD II Plug & Track GPS Tracking Device

•  Install Spyware on all computers that your teen uses, including tablets.  This will give you a report on every site visited, every word in a chat (from both sides) and it gives you thier login and passwords to everything.  KEYKatcher Professional PC Monitoring Keylogger App – USB Version  Make sure that you have built your strong shelter before doing this.  Trust me, you will learn things you don’t want to know.  But you must know what you are dealing with.  Knowledge is power.  When my kids were teenagers there were times when they thought I was physic. Or God told me everything 🙂

• Install cell phone monitoring:  If you really want the 411 look closely at the features on this device.  Cell Phone Monitoring Software At Bugged.com  Or, when they are asleep, read their text messages.  Once you are over the shock you can create a plan of action.  WARNING:  If they find out you are reading their texts, you can be sure that everything will get deleted before they get home.  That is why I recommend the monitoring software.  This will help you learn who your alien is spending time with and what they are doing.

4.  Raid their camp.  Go through their room when they are at school.  Be a good detective and look in weird places.  Make a note of everything you find and leave the items in the room. Leave no trace that you were there.

• Raid their car when they are asleep.  Seriously parents, you have to know what you are dealing with.  If you find nothing alarming from the above.  Congrats to you!  You should privately celebrate but still keep an eye on things.
• Check backpacks, purses and wallets.

5.  Plan and prepare for Tribal Council.

• Call a parent to alien meeting.  Both parents working together as a team is awesome, but this is just as effective with one parent.  Give them a day or two notice for this meeting so they can get their story straight. :\  Keep it casual.  “It is just so you and I can catch up and because I want to be a better parent.”  That is true, plus they will feel like they are helping you.
• Prepare a genuine speech.  One of love and encouragement.  Tell them the dreams you have for their future.  How cute they were as babies, They need to hear that you believe in them and that you have unconditional love for them.  Ask them what they want to be when they grow up.  Ask them if they ever want to get married and have kids.  Whatever you do, don’t stand up and over them while you have this conversation.  Be at eye level with them.  Your just hanging out.  Right?
• Prepare a list of questions for your teenager in advance of this meeting.  Use your findings as arsenal.  (Only a Few this time)  Explain that the questions are just to reassure you as a parent.    You may ask a question like:  Do you smoke?  They will tell you no.  Are you still a virgin?  Have you used drugs?  Do you drink?  The answers you get will be what they want you to think.  Casually check off their answers as if answered correctly.  Don’t respond just shake your head in agreement and write their answers and check them off one by one.  They will feel confident that they are successful in lying to your face.  They will also feel like they reassured you of your parenting skills.   You will be hurt when they lie but don’t show it.
• Explain that trust is something that is earned over a long period of time and can be lost in one second.  Then ask them if all of the answers they had given were true.  At this point some teens will throw you a bone such as, “I took a sip of someone’s beer one time.”  You thank him for telling you that even if you know he gets plastered with his friends.  Keep your cool.  You will hear some groaning and maybe some eye rolling but that is expected, right?
• Then, mysteriously admit that you know for a fact, at least one of the answers given was not true.  Do not tell them which one no matter how much they insist.  Just smile and tell them that it doesn’t matter because you trust them to correct the situation and tell the truth when they are ready.  You now gained some much needed super power!!!  Keep them guessing.
• End the meeting by announcing there will be another chat session every week because it helps you feel close to them and you enjoy your time together.  Even though they act like they don’t enjoy it, they do.  Plus, they will think they got off scott free and it is a safe chat.  But they will stew over the one thing you might know.  Be loving and mysterious.

Warning:   I want to stop here and say this.  If you discover during your hunt that your child has a serious problem with drugs and/or alcohol or that they may be suicidal or anything else that could be life threatening.  Do not follow the above steps and seek professional help immediately regardless of their response to the help.  If not, keep reading.  My suggestions are for the average teenage issues.

During the week in-between meetings, re-search the above areas.  You may notice that something has moved or been removed.  Removed is good.  If re-hidden or if it stays in the same place don’t fret.  This is a process.

Make it a point to start noticing good things about them and genuinely praise them for it.  Encourage them every day and by all means tell them you love them every day.

Keep notes of your findings during the week and maybe take pictures. This evidence may become leverage one day.  Always plan and always be prepared.  You are becoming an expert detective.    Make sure you are being sneaky and discrete.  Never, ever let their sibling see what you are doing!!!!!  I have learned that siblings stick together even if they fight all the time.

Some of you are going to hate this post and that is okay.  But, in my opinion, raising teenagers (even the squeeky clean good ones) without looking through their things is turning a blind eye.  You are a parent and they are just children in adult bodies.  It is your JOB to protect them at all costs and you cannot protect them and guide them if you do not know what’s going on in their life.  Stop trying to be their best friend and be their parent.  And yes, read their sacred diaries!!!  Who knows EVERYTHING about you and still loves you unconditionally?  The Lord.  He may not like the sin in your life but he loves you just the same.  Are you angry that God knows everything about you, even your thoughts?  I doubt it.  It is just a fact.  This is no different with your children.  He has entrusted you to raise them in His image.  He wants you to be a vigilant parent, search for the truth and trust Him to guide you.  Always pray before your chats.

6.  The next Tribal Council

Repeat the first meeting by keeping it casual and not threatening.  Tell them the good things you noticed during the week.  Chit chat about school, friends, etc.  Then ask if they had thought about last weeks questions and if they remembered what they were?  Trust me they will remember the questions.  Ask them if anything has changed.  Be cool with any answer they give.

Explain that you have a few new questions this week.  These are a few more pieces from your already discovered arsenal such as; “Have you ever skipped school?  Do any of your friends do drugs or drink?,  etc.  Respond the same way as before.  Check off their answers while being casual and cool.  Once the questions are answered this time, do not tell them one of their answers is not the truth.  Take a long second and look thoughtfully at the answers given, and say, “hummm, okay” and then smile and give them a hug.

Do the fact finding and meetings for one month.  Now, after one month you have given them every opportunity to come clean without them even realizing what you were doing. Some of you will have all of the issues worked out and your searches are satisfactory.  Most of you will have little results.  Now is the time you act.

7.  The big reveal.  This is very tricky.  You cannot give away your sources for information while revealing what you know.  Never burn a bridge of information.  I learned that the hard way.  Have your usual weekly meeting (chat).  As always, start it off with light and casual chit chat while slowly transitioning into a more serious mood:

Remind your teen of how trust works.  Then reveal that you are sad and even hurt because you know they have been lying to you.  Depending on the “issues” carry on in a calm but demanding manner….Examples:  “Go right now and bring me your cigarettes!”  They will be shocked maybe even defensive.  If they hesitate or refuse to admit to it, demand in a stronger tone.   Do not move any further until you have the cigarettes and lighters in your hand.  Wait…They will eventually go get them.  But you will hear things like, they are not mine, I just had one and so on.  Do not respond to those comments and once you have them in your hand move on.  Now, I want you to bring me every condom (or birth control pills) you have in your possession.  All of them.

Note:  This is my blog and It is “my personal opinion” that abstinence is the only acceptable behavior for teenagers.  They are too young to make rational decisions concerning sex.  Whatever happened to waiting till you get married???  Are we even teaching our teens this?  Or are you providing them with precautionary supplies to prevent STD or pregnancy?   The peer pressures today are extreme and that is the very reason why they need an involved parent on duty.

 Continue on until they bring you everything and admit to all the lies.  They will think someone told on them.  They will probably beg  you tell them how you found out these things.   NEVER divulge your source.

Explain since they did not come clean when given the opportunity, there will be consequences for each and every action.  They must build your trust again and they are starting at ground floor.

The following are some recommended consequences for various transgressions.  Do not remove their phones or electronics!  This is your super highway for information.  It will also tell you what they are saying about you to their friends.

Take away free time with friends or away from home.  This time is used for the following:

Smoking:  Have them do a in-depth study on the effects of tobacco to their body.  Have them produce a report including pictures of diseased lungs, statistics on deaths an so on, due on a certain day.  Be firm about this and it must be to your satisfaction before moving on.

Sex:  Again have them do a report on STDs and teen pregnancy.  Have them research case studies of teens with babies and the effect it has on everyone in the family.  Also have them write an essay on how they should respect their bodies and the bodies of others.

Drugs:  Do a report on how many people are in prison as a result of drugs, the lives that are ruined due to addiction.  How the drugs make it to the US and how many people are killed in the process.  How drugs can prevent them from becoming what they want to be when they grow up, not to mention a possible criminal record.  Make them submit to random drug test at your primary care physician’s office.  Never give them a heads up in advance because there are many ways to cheat at the test.

Etc…

Also, if you learn that their friends are doing drugs (even recreational) tell the parents.  Form an alliance with them.  If they are receptive then recruit another detective.  Beware of revealing your information sources to the other parents, if you do know know them very well your secrets may become toast.

The object is to inform your teen on the dangerous consequences of bad choices.

My perspective on giving teenagers their space:  First you gave them space in your womb.  Then you gave them space in your heart and now you give them space in YOUR home.

I do not mean that it’s okay to follow them into the bathroom or invade their physical personal space.  Everyone has a physical personal space around them.  Learn what their’s is and respect it.   One of mine is that I can’t stand for someone to get too close to my face when having a conversation.  We all have one or two.

The “personal space” of their bedroom or car is a happy illusion that you allow them to have.

Let me be clear.  We love our kids unconditionally and do not want to embarrass them in public.  Do not share your discoveries with your friends and family.  Albeit serious concerns, others do not forgive as easily as you.  When your teenager has passed this stage in life and moved on while making a life for themselves, others will never forget their transgressions.  Keep this a private matter between you, your teenager and your spouse.

And finally, the following tips will help avoid any pitfalls they may encounter:

1.  Get an itinerary of where they are going.  How long they plan to stay and make them give you the address or location before leaving.  Let them know that you may occasionally show up just to make sure they are where they say they are.

2.  Find out who they are with and what they plan to do.  If plans change they must call and check in with you to let you know.  Always have their friends phone numbers saved in your phone.

3.  Always have a curfew.  Never give your teen unlimited time to be out.  Be strict about curfew.  If 5 minutes late, you should get a call.

4.  Always wait up for your teenager.  This instills in them that you care and you are vigilant about their safety.

I hope this article gives you some insight on how to be a more effective parent to your teenager.

All comments are welcome.